My Faith History: The Good the Bad and the Ugly
When I took the leap in 1977 and "asked Jesus into my heart" strange things happened. Some of them good and right, some of them weird and ugly. I remember that day, the day after and the two ensuing years vividly.
That day was euphoric. Not everyone feels something when they make a commitment to change their lives. I did. It felt good -- like gears that I didn't know were there had clicked into place and my soul was in motion.
The day after is when my faith journey started. On that day, I walked home from school with Dale. After, fifteen minutes, I was frustrated that I couldn't get him to see the light, so I told him that he was going to hell if he didn't accept the truth. He was not impressed.
The following two years were filled with beauty and doubt; maturity and immaturity; and falling and growing. I met people who later fell hard from the faith and others who went on to be pastors and missionaries. I went to Catholic church, Lutheran church, house church and non-denominational charismatic church. I prayed, I believed, I disbelieved and somehow -- with God's help and patience -- I grew.
Here's what I suspected in those early days but was re-cultured into not believing. In the beginning, I felt a certain peace and assurance that Jesus was real. That is, he was a real historical figure who made sense in the Bible although not always in Catholic, and later, Protestant church. I also felt an assurance and peace that my experience with a spiritual Jesus, his Holy Spirit which he left behind after he went back to heaven, made a certain kind of soul-sense which measured up to the document of the Bible as I understood it.
Loving each other made sense too. Jesus's claim that he was the son of God, that he died to rescue us from the mess that we had made of things and that he rose from the dead so that with his help we could start to fix some of the things we broke, made a certain kind of emotional and intellectual sense too. For years, however, I went to a church that said -- not in so many words -- that we understood things better than other Christians did and that God therefore loved us better and/or found us more useful in doing His work. Also, although we said that everyone was created in God's image and that Jesus loved everyone so much that He died for them, we drew a pretty clear line between us in the church and them not in the church.
In those early days, I also felt, but didn't confess, that a lot of other things didn't make sense either. Like suffering in the world. Like why some people were healed of cancer while others weren't. Like why when there was a plane crash, for example, a Christian would claim that God kept her from boarding that plane through divine intervention. What about the Christian who did board the plane? What about all the other people that were on that plane? That my loved ones were going to burn in an eternal lake of fire because they didn't have the same evangelical experience that I had had didn't make much sense either.
But who was I to argue with my evangelical peers and mentors who spoke with such unwavering authority on all things theological?
Over the last few years -- thanks to some reading and thinking that I've done and thanks to my very humble/studious/thoughtful teaching pastors, Mike Krause and Jeff Lockyer -- I've come back to the faith position with which I started my journey all those years ago.
33 years later here's what I believe: I believe that Jesus was real and that he still is. I believe that the best way to live my life is to act justly, to love mercy and to walk humbly with God. I also know that there are a lot of things that I don't know; and that if Mike Krause, the teaching pastor of one of the largest churches in the Niagara region can admit it from the pulpit, so can I.
I also know that the best way to go in this life is with God and with my neighbours: that is, to love God with all of my heart, mind and strength and to love others as I love myself (which implies that I should love myself).
In the end, I guess I could retitle this "My Faith Journey: the Good, the Bad, the Ugly and the Getting Better".
That day was euphoric. Not everyone feels something when they make a commitment to change their lives. I did. It felt good -- like gears that I didn't know were there had clicked into place and my soul was in motion.
The day after is when my faith journey started. On that day, I walked home from school with Dale. After, fifteen minutes, I was frustrated that I couldn't get him to see the light, so I told him that he was going to hell if he didn't accept the truth. He was not impressed.
The following two years were filled with beauty and doubt; maturity and immaturity; and falling and growing. I met people who later fell hard from the faith and others who went on to be pastors and missionaries. I went to Catholic church, Lutheran church, house church and non-denominational charismatic church. I prayed, I believed, I disbelieved and somehow -- with God's help and patience -- I grew.
Here's what I suspected in those early days but was re-cultured into not believing. In the beginning, I felt a certain peace and assurance that Jesus was real. That is, he was a real historical figure who made sense in the Bible although not always in Catholic, and later, Protestant church. I also felt an assurance and peace that my experience with a spiritual Jesus, his Holy Spirit which he left behind after he went back to heaven, made a certain kind of soul-sense which measured up to the document of the Bible as I understood it.
Loving each other made sense too. Jesus's claim that he was the son of God, that he died to rescue us from the mess that we had made of things and that he rose from the dead so that with his help we could start to fix some of the things we broke, made a certain kind of emotional and intellectual sense too. For years, however, I went to a church that said -- not in so many words -- that we understood things better than other Christians did and that God therefore loved us better and/or found us more useful in doing His work. Also, although we said that everyone was created in God's image and that Jesus loved everyone so much that He died for them, we drew a pretty clear line between us in the church and them not in the church.
In those early days, I also felt, but didn't confess, that a lot of other things didn't make sense either. Like suffering in the world. Like why some people were healed of cancer while others weren't. Like why when there was a plane crash, for example, a Christian would claim that God kept her from boarding that plane through divine intervention. What about the Christian who did board the plane? What about all the other people that were on that plane? That my loved ones were going to burn in an eternal lake of fire because they didn't have the same evangelical experience that I had had didn't make much sense either.
But who was I to argue with my evangelical peers and mentors who spoke with such unwavering authority on all things theological?
Over the last few years -- thanks to some reading and thinking that I've done and thanks to my very humble/studious/thoughtful teaching pastors, Mike Krause and Jeff Lockyer -- I've come back to the faith position with which I started my journey all those years ago.
33 years later here's what I believe: I believe that Jesus was real and that he still is. I believe that the best way to live my life is to act justly, to love mercy and to walk humbly with God. I also know that there are a lot of things that I don't know; and that if Mike Krause, the teaching pastor of one of the largest churches in the Niagara region can admit it from the pulpit, so can I.
I also know that the best way to go in this life is with God and with my neighbours: that is, to love God with all of my heart, mind and strength and to love others as I love myself (which implies that I should love myself).
In the end, I guess I could retitle this "My Faith Journey: the Good, the Bad, the Ugly and the Getting Better".
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