The Ten Year Honour Gap

Lately – I’d say since hovering around 50 years of age – I’ve experienced… not quite a lack of respect… it’s more like a subconscious, bordering on smug, dismissal of sorts from some (thankfully not all) folks around 10 years my junior. And it’s not so much direct, obvious disrespect.  It’s more like: I’m in my prime, I know my stuff. That’s why I’m talking and you’re listening because, quite frankly, what could I possibly learn from someone your age?

If I recall correctly, I’d have to say I also experienced it when I was 40ish from people who were 30ish; and although the memory gets tenuous with each 10 year gap, I’m sure I experienced it at 30ish from people who were 20ish.  Hence the title: “The Ten Year Honour Gap”.  I should point out that if I were to examine myself for all of one minute, I’d remember instances when I was 30ish knowing individuals who were 40ish for whom I had marginalized respect albeit mostly sub-conscious and through a solid veneer of politeness.

I think some of it’s cultural.  We’re conditioned to disrespect or even fear the aging process.  In ancient times elders were revered.  Age was revered, elders were honoured.  The young, in fact, were the ones who were marginalized.  Hence, the shock and awe when Jesus told his disciples tolet the children (personae non-gratae in Ancient Middle Eastern culture) come to him. “Don't stop them! For the Kingdom of Heaven belongs to those who are like these children" (Matthew 19:24).

Today, in our media-driven society, youth is revered; aging is feared and to be forestalled wherever, whenever and however possible.  All one needs is to pay attention to the television advertisements to see this truth borne.  My favourites: Axe body spay ads for “men” – they’d never admit it but they’re really targeting teens.  In beer commercials, if people are just having a good time – that’s it, that’s all – how old are they?  20’s, maybe early 30’s?  If they’re older, then there is some kind of backhanded humour related to their age or stage of life. Case in point: the Viagra and Cialis ads.  Need I say more?

Just to be clear, when I speak of folks who don’t honour their elders, I’m not talking about a consciously, mean-spirited attitude; I’m talking about something subconscious, something under the surface. As I was thinking about this, I started to think about the people in my life who are not as described above. In fact, with the exception of when these latter folk are taking harmless, fun-loving shots at my age, these individuals always make me feel two things: first, respected as a peer; second, valued for the wisdom and experience that my extra years have afforded me.  So what’s the difference between these individuals and those for whom their present age is the god?

I think there are a few things that characterize the individual who is able to respect and value those older than he.  On a side note, I’d say it’s the same attributers that characterize an individual who can truly value any marginalized person.  Here’s the list: humility, compassion, broad-mindedness, empathy, slowness to speak/quickness to listen… have I missed anything?

If I had to settle on one of the above, I’d have to pick “empathy”.  There’s a book I’ve been dying to read; it’s Martin Buber’s I and Thou.  The basic premise of the book is that each of us – the I – has a drive within us to turn others – the Thou – into an it; and when we do so, we’re never having a truly human exchange.  We are, in fact, having a subhuman exchange. “Man wishes to be confirmed in his being by man, and wishes to have a presence in the being of the other…. Secretly and bashfully he watches for a YES which allows him to be and which can come to him only from one human person to another” (Buber, 1960).

A definition of “Empathy” from the good people of the MW dictionary: the action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another of either the past or present without having the feelings, thoughts, and experience fully communicated in an objectively explicit manner; also: the capacity for this…

How much better would our world be if we saw others not from our present age, our race, our present cultural bents and our present biases, but rather as truly confirmed and validated by other human beings who were willing to understand, be aware of, be sensitive to, the feelings and thoughts of others?

I’ll leave you with a quote (because it’s bad to end with a rhetorical question:)

“In the end we are all separate: our stories, no matter how similar, come to a fork and diverge.  We are drawn to each other because of our similarities, but it is our differences we must learn to respect.”

-       - Goethe

Ps: If you know me, and you’re reading this, and you’re ten years my junior (give or take) and you’re wondering, hmm, which category would Rocco put me in? The answer is obviously the latter/respectful one because you value me enough to have read this post J