The Waiting Room

(June 2, 2014) I was in a waiting room today.  Waiting for a pre-op appointment for a procedure I’m having this coming Friday – a biopsy on a soft tissue mass along my spine.  I drew this picture.  I’m not much of an artist (that’s being kind to me).

I had an appointment with my family doctor this morning and this other appointment in the afternoon, so I took the day off.  But I’m working anyway.  I can’t not work because it piles up and then I have twice as much the next day.

The family doctor is nice, but, admittedly, she doesn’t know much about follicular lymphoma or soft tissue masses.  She’s not an oncologist. She suggested they might want to remove my affected lymph nodes.  I told her I don’t think that’s how it works with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma. She said she prays that the growth in my back is benign.  She asked how I’m doing emotionally.  And if I had people I could talk to.  Like a pastor. The answers are okay, yes and yes.  

It’s amazing how powerful words are.  I have a doctor friend who called the thing in my back a “lesion”.  That’s so much uglier and scarier than “a soft tissue mass” – not unlike cancer vs. lymphoma.  I remember as a kid growing up that my parents never used the word “cancer”.  They’d say Compare Pasquali has a “bad sickness.”  E brutto da dire, anche la parola.  Literally translated: It’s ugly to even say the word.

The family doctor told me to come and see her anytime.  If I ask reception to message her, she’ll take me right away.  She said there’s an understanding that all her patients with malignancies – there it is again: another nasty word.

Pre-op intake person, Loretta, was nice.  I asked her if I could travel after my procedure.  She said probably not but called the radiology/surgery assistant, Vicky. When she got Vicky on the line, she said, “I have a young man here who --”  Young man.  That’s funny (and unlike lesion and malignancies, these are nice words); I haven’t been called that in a few years, maybe even decades.

Vicky agreed.  No travelling for me.

I get a feel-good newsletter about twice a week from a millionaire philanthropist who spends a lot of money on trying to help organizations become happier and subsequently more productive.  “Love your people” is his plug-line.  He uses a lot of ellipses.  Here’s a sample from his newsletter:

Next time I'm feeling judgmental (at work or in life) or a little down about something or feeling some past action (something I've done or something someone else has done) will make it difficult to keep moving forward ... contributing something positive to the world ... making good things happen ... next time ... I've got a new hero.

I have a theory about the misuse of the ellipsis… I think it’s a middle-aged device used by people who don’t think a period (your standard, run-of-the-mill, ordinary, punctuative pause) is good enough... They feel this compulsion to make people really pause… Because what they’re saying is really important… so… hence, the ellipsis instead of the period…

I had a dream that I was walking in a field with my family doctor who told me I should take a sick/stress leave.  I told her that I like work, but this malignant/cancer/lymphoma/illness thing was taking its toll. 

I’m at Starbuck’s.  The supervisor is giving the newbies their orientation; she keeps using the word gross (mostly related to dust). That’s her main messaging. If you have spare time, clean up.  Dust.  Straighten out these cups so the logos are facing outwards.  That’s nicer for the customers.  You should dust 2 or 3 times a day.  It’s your job to make sure the pastry trays are full.  This should be stocked.  You should dust this.  When you go on break… (proper use of the ellipsis because trainer-person has disappeared around the corner and I can’t hear how she finished her spiel… I’ll never know what Starbucks employees are supposed to do when they go on break).

So, like an ellipsis, I’m waiting in this metaphorical waiting room I call now.

(June 2, 2014)

By the way, I did travel the day of my biopsy.  And I took two sick/stress days (as per doctor's suggestion in my dream).