Lymphoma -- Living with a New Reality

January 31, 2014

            Less than a week ago, I was diagnosed with low grade, follicular lymphoma.  The surgeon who did the biopsy was the one who called.  She rattled off all these words: test came back positive low grade follicular lymphoma oncology medical not surgical CT scan test any questions?  I said, “yeah, … can you repeat the part about… well, the whole thing?” 

            So she did.  And she followed it, predictably, with, “Any other questions?”

            “No.”

            “Low grade” sounded good. “Lymphoma” not so much. Told my family.  Did a bit of research.  Watched a Youtube video of a Swedish surgeon. Family was pretty much devastated.  I was mostly in shock.  Now, it’s mostly surreal.

            A doctor friend told me that as soon as something comes back tagged “cancer” that the system moves super fast.  He wasn't kidding.  I got two calls several days after receiving the news.  One from the oncologist for an appointment exactly a week after getting the news; the other for my CT scan a few days after my oncology appointment. 

            I’ve always been one to think a lot.  I think if I had to do it over again, I would’ve minored in Philosophy.  One of my earliest memories is that of my grandmother telling me as a 3 year old that I wouldn’t remember stuff from now later in my life.   She left and I sat on the floor of our story and a half wartime house in Niagara Falls and told myself over and over again – in Italian, my first language – I will remember this conversation for the rest of my life just to prove Nonna wrong.  All this is to say that I think a lot. You can imagine, therefore, the thoughts that have been going through my head since receiving this news.  Thoughts like:

Why do I not feel more rattled?

Upon looking at an 80-some-odd-yr old at Starbucks: That probably won’t be me.

My parents are really upset.  This isn’t supposed to happen to your kid (even if he’s 53 yrs old)… is it okay to lie to them?

Do I continue working? 

Will we still be able to go on vacation for the March break?  Can we go to California this summer?

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I was thinking that this would be my usual essay-like blog post with an overarching point: he trappings of a wanna-be author.  But that’s not going to happen.  There are too many random and ever-changing thoughts going through my head.

February 6, 2014

11 days later, I’ve had a meeting with a great oncologist who said a lot of stuff.  What stood out from our meeting was, “And we’ll want to do a bone marrow biopsy and take a bone sample, because…” I lost the rest of his thread because my wife was in tears at that point.  Also memorable because he said, “Let’s do that right now.  Jillian will take you down the hall…”

Right now?  Right now.  20 minutes later when I was on the table getting prepped I told one of the assisting nurses, “You guys don’t mess around, do you?”

To which she replied, “We don’t want to give you time to chicken out.”  This was funny because the thought did occur to me, I wonder what they’d do if I sat up and declared: “No thanks; I’m leaving now.”

Today I had a CT scan.  Our next meeting with Dr Marty is in 2 weeks.  I’ll know then what stage I’m in and what the treatment will be.

It’s still a bit surreal, but I’m settling into this being the new reality. 

I’m also incredibly blessed with wonderfully supportive family, friends and colleagues. 

I have a friend who has been texting me nearly every morning.  More often than not, he asks, “How is your soul?”

Right now, I have to say the body – even though it feels fine – is obviously not so good; the mind is okay.  But the soul is great.  There’s no accounting for this save the love I feel from God and the people He has placed in my life.  I believe this because I don’t feel like a particularly strong person; neither do I feel as though I deserve to have such a peace and sense of being okay in my soul.  But I do.

Here are a couple of texts which I have found particularly helpful.

“If thou art willing to suffer no adversity, how wilt thou be the friend of Christ?”  - Thomas a Kempis

Don’t fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God’s wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It’s wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.

- Philippians 4:6-7 (The Message Bible)